It’s been a tough couple of weeks. We’ve had celebrations – my terrific scan results, the end of the school year and Jacob’s 8th grade graduation. Along with that there was a flurry of activity. It feels like I’ve been going non-stop since last Wednesday, when I had my scan. Driving kids here and there, dropping stuff off at the fair, driving into the foothills to learn to shoot a gun (thanks, Matt!), appointments, birthday parties. But, UGH! I’m exhausted.
I haven’t had time to take care of myself. The best I’ve been able to do is to get to the gym for a little bit most days. I haven’t had enough sleep. I haven’t practiced meditation or listened to any of my guided imagery. I haven’t been eating my fruits and vegetables; the smoothies don’t taste right when I make them (even if I cut way back on the greens), and eating salads and raw vegetables hurts because I have sores in my mouth. I’ve been eating a lot of cheese, because it is delicious and soft, with no pointy parts.
The result of this is that my level of cope is really, really low. I’ve been wanting to cry most days this week. And most of all I don’t want to have to hide it. I don’t want to keep it all together for everyone. I don’t want to “be strong.” I don’t feel strong.
I want to wear baggy sweat pants and ice cream stained t-shirts. I want to hole up in my room or in the zero gravity in the back yard. I want to tell everyone to take a hike. I don’t want to hike. I want to curl up in a corner, whimpering, “But I have cancer.”
I know that there is absolutely no one in my life who expects me to remain strong all the time. I know there are lots of people rooting for me and giving me support in so many different ways. I know that the push to keep up a good front is coming only from me. And yet I don’t know how to allow myself to let it go, how to just let it all out.
Maybe I need to go see “The Fault in Our Stars,” or some other weepy movie, so that I can let the emotions of the movie flood over me and clear out the sadness about my own life at the same time.