When I was younger and dealing with depression, I would feel so overwhelmed that I wanted to drive off the side of the road. Not to kill myself, but to make everything stop for a bit, to give myself a break to figure out how to deal with everything.
Now I feel overwhelmed again. I’m overwhelmed by the rules of what I “need” to do – what to eat, what to think, what to do. I’m overwhelmed by the need to eat healthy and well, when I cannot wrap my mind around putting together a menu, a shopping list, ingredients. I’m overwhelmed by trying to stay positive and think happy thoughts, when the energy required to do either is more than I can muster up.
I’m overwhelmed by the solitude, even though there are loving people all around me.
I’m overwhelmed by the needs of my family. How can I be there for them when I don’t have the capacity to take care of myself?
I’m overwhelmed by the realization that “Fuck, this is going to kill me.” I’m overwhelmed by the sadness. I don’t want this cancer. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to die. I fucking want to LIVE. I want my brain to function normally. I want to be able to cope. I want to live with a carefree spirit.
Somehow I have to figure out how to deal with this overwhelming sadness. How to move through it and not be crippled by it.
I’m just not sure how.