An overwhelming sense

When I was younger and dealing with depression, I would feel so overwhelmed that I wanted to drive off the side of the road.  Not to kill myself, but to make everything stop for a bit, to give myself a break to figure out how to deal with everything.

Now I feel overwhelmed again.  I’m overwhelmed by the rules of what I “need” to do – what to eat, what to think, what to do.  I’m overwhelmed by the need to eat healthy and well, when I cannot wrap my mind around putting together a menu, a shopping list, ingredients.  I’m overwhelmed by trying to stay positive and think happy thoughts, when the energy required to do either is more than I can muster up.

I’m overwhelmed by the solitude, even though there are loving people all around me.

I’m overwhelmed by the needs of my family.  How can I be there for them when I don’t have the capacity to take care of myself?

I’m overwhelmed by the realization that “Fuck, this is going to kill me.”  I’m overwhelmed by the sadness.  I don’t want this cancer.  I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to die.  I fucking want to LIVE.  I want my brain to function normally.  I want to be able to cope.  I want to live with a carefree spirit.

Somehow I have to figure out how to deal with this overwhelming sadness.  How to move through it and not be crippled by it.

I’m just not sure how.


7 thoughts on “An overwhelming sense

  1. Support groups can help and sometimes meds are in order to help you though the rough patches. Hang in there Lisa and thank you for sharing. It really helps me. You are able to put in to words some of the things that I am going through too.

  2. Lisa Lisa my heart hears your words and I am sending you my love and admiration. Some of the hardest pressure we do indeed put on ourselves. I used to hate it when people would tell my sis how strong she way because I didn’t feel it gave her permission to break down if she wanted to. You are in my thoughts.

  3. Your feelings are normal. I felt over whelmed when I was going through treatment. What helped me was to write in a journal… a book not the computer…it was a simple spiral notebook. Keep it to look back to see how far you have come.

    Everyday I wrote down 5 things I was grateful for. I listened to guided meditations on YouTube (for health and wellness)…there are many to choose from.

    I meditated. I cussed. I got pissed off.

    Then I got myself back on track. The road back to wellness. I decided to do whatever I had to, to get well.

    Cancer sucks. But you can do this. You are stronger than you think.

    Look at it this way, if your child was sick, you would do whatever was necessary to get her well. Your inner child needs you.

    Eating healthy is not the end of the world. I do it and my head hasn’t fallen off yet.

    So you have to adjust your life to get better. Life is about adjusting to new circumstances.

    You are worth it.

  4. I’ve no adequate words of comfort, but I do have a sense of anger on your behalf that you are having to deal with this. Fuck cancer. Just fuck it all to hell. And from my more sensitive side – sending you a hug from across the Bay.

  5. Hang in there sweetie. Depression is difficult, but you can’t give in to it. Make sure you are honest with your doctors about how you are feeling. Also, give yourself a break. What you are going through is all but unbearable, but you have to find a way to block it all once in a while and enjoy yourself for at least a few minutes. Put in an over the top comedy movie or whatever gets you laughing. Laughter really does release stress relievers into your system. And don’t be afraid to let your friends and family see you have weak moments. Let them be there for you.

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