But first we’ll live

Reil and I have been “binge” watching Game of Thrones, and we just finished season 3.  Though everyone talks about the Red Wedding, what struck me most about the season was a line in the episode “The Bear and the Maiden Fair.”

“If we die, we’ll die.  But first we’ll live.”

But first we’ll live.

Ygritte tells this to Jon Snow, as they’re trying to come to terms with being loyal to one another and to differing factions.  She recognizes that theirs is a life that might be short.  They’ll die sooner or later, but first, together, they’ll live.

Lately I haven’t been focusing so much on living.  I’ve been trying to work through my feelings on death, dying, loss. My life expectancy has been cut drastically, and processing that takes a great amount of energy.  The issues of grief and grieving keep coming up in relation to different parts of my life – my family, my marriage, my children, my career, my hobbies and interests.

How do I reconcile what I thought I’d have with what I’m going to have?  Where are my priorities now?  Those things, whether they be goals, expectations, etc., that I’ve pushed off for later have to be addressed.

But first we’ll live.

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Although I want to start focusing on just living again, I know it might not be my primary focus for a while.  I have to honor the feelings I have now.  I have to work through them.  But I yearn for the time when I can just live again.  When I can have the emotional and mental energy to be participate in conversations that aren’t about cancer.  When I can plan things and follow through.  When I can look ahead to living, not dying (even though I know that’s in the forecast, too).  When I can just relax.  When I’m not focused on grief.

But first I’ll grieve.

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