Yesterday was my birthday, and it kind of sucked. My family did their best to pamper me and love on me, but despite their efforts, I felt like crap all day. Sluggish, tired, fatigued, depressed. In the afternoon, the three of them went off to see a movie without me (but with my blessing) because I didn’t have the energy to go. Instead, I stayed at home and cried. It was the end of a long week that, although it had a lot of great points, generally showed me how life isn’t the same any more. I’ve tended to reject the idea that I’m “fighting” cancer (primarily because who wants to fight against their own body?), but I’ve found that what I’ve really been fighting to achieve is a sense of normalcy. And, unfortunately, in that fight, I feel like I’m losing.
We started the week with a short trip to Portland. It really is a 10 hour drive, and that exhausted me so much that I wasn’t able to enjoy my time with my family, my brother and his girlfriend as much as I’d have liked. We did a little bit of sightseeing – Voodoo Donuts (forget my last post!) and Powell’s Books – and then I was wiped out, needing a nap. Luckily, we’d rented a very comfortable apartment that we could return to, letting the kids play games with their awesome uncle. But that seemed to be the rhythm of the weekend, actually the whole week, and probably weeks before, too. Do a little bit. Be wiped out. It was just much more noticeable when there were people and things I really wanted to see and do.
We spent Thanksgiving with a group of friends. It was a lovely day, but I was fighting a massive headache and extreme fatigue. Luckily, in this group there are people who love to talk and tell stories, and so I didn’t have to exert myself much – just stay awake and enjoy the fun. And even that was difficult.
The lack of energy is difficult for me to handle, in general. It’s one thing to not be able to hike long trails. It’s another to have a walk around the block leave me tired. And entirely another to not be able to have the energy to be able to get off the sofa to work on a quilt.
I’ve dealt with depression in the past, and I can see myself beginning a spiral down. And so, I’m re-evaluating my vitamin situation. I’m trying to make sure I get outside for sun exposure and a little bit of exercise each day. I’m probably going to try to increase my anti-depressants. I might try to get back in to talk therapy. I’m hoping that these efforts will pay off by leaving my head as healthy as possible, even if my body lags behind.
But, man, it all just leaves me tired.