The past couple of days I’ve felt like crying a lot.  It could be from the amount of stuff we’ve had going on lately (though really, not too much), the complete melt down of the boy-man-child (what do you call a kid who is 6 foot plus, almost 200 pounds, but really only 15?) the other night, frustration at my painting, a touch of depression, or cancer.  Probably it’s some undealt with stress over the CT scan I’ll have tomorrow.

It’s a scheduled one, for as much as we schedule these things.  The last one was in October, and all was fine.  By fine, I mean that there was no marked growth and there was some shrinkage of the cancer in my body.  Chances are good that this scan coming up will show the same thing.  But there’s still always that stress that pops up before a scan.

I’ve been lucky to be able to make appointments for my scans that are less than 36 (often less than 12) hours from when I call.  That really helps keep the anxiety down.  This time, though, it was more like 4 days out.  Not so much fun.

So today I’m working on breathing deeply.  I dusted off the Enya album (figuratively – it’s on my iPhone) and listened to it while I was in traffic today.  I’m going to go focus on pretty fabrics after I finish writing this, and will try to remove all thoughts of cancer, scans, etc., from my mind.

Denial does have its benefits.


4 thoughts on “Watermark

  1. I think anxiety exists for all of us who have or had cancer when it comes to blood tests and scans. One NEVER knows until the results are in. Deep breathing and refocusing will no doubt help some. But we all understand. Love you.

  2. Scanxiety is rough. I just had a DEXA scan and the appointment for the results was today. I forgot to ask, and my oncologist forgot to bring it up, so I assume (hope) that’s a good sign. Best of luck on your CT!

  3. Ah, DeNile, one of my favourite rivers too. I’m amazed all of us left in the wake of cancer don’t cry all the time. And meltdowns by teenage-men-in-training are always so upsetting for mums. I’ll have my fingers crossed that your scan today went well.

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