Not able.

I feel a bit frustrated tonight. Miss M and I have an invitation to see a movie with friends tomorrow, and while trying to work that out, I haven’t been able to keep hold of the idea that she also has a birthday party to go to tomorrow. It keeps slipping away from me. My mind is like a sieve. I’ll remember something midway through doing something else, drop what I’m doing so I don’t forget the new thing, and completely forget to go back to the old thing.

I’m also agitated because I’d also been hoping to go to a quilt guild meeting tomorrow. I’ve been wanting to join a group, and the Saturday afternoon timing seemed like it would work well with my schedule. But then it turns out it’s in Redwood City, not Foster City, and that extra 10 miles or so each way pushes it from “it’ll be a stretch” to “I don’t want to risk it.” Plus, I’d planned to pick up our dinner stuff afterwards, but found that the actual meeting would end 2 hours before the pick up time. And so Saturday isn’t shaping up how I expected it would.

The other quilt group I was looking into is held on a week night in Oakland, so distance wise, it’s do-able, probably. But it’s in the evening, two and a half hours after my support group ends in Pleasanton. Lately I’m so wiped out after group, that I don’t think there would be time to get enough rest between travels.

I want to stand in the middle of the room, stomping my feet, crying “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!” I want to be able to do the things I used to be able to do – like drive 45 minutes to get to a meeting without worrying that I’ll over exert myself. I’m frustrated being stuck in a smaller sphere of living. I’m annoyed that even the little things wipe me out.

I’m doing my best to acclimate. I’ve been using Amazon for most of my non-grocery shopping needs. Waiting two days for a package is preferable to wasting my energy going to Rite Aid or the hardware store. I plan my days so that I have rest time between activities. I have to spend time planning so that I don’t waste my energy. I’m pretty sure that, if I contact people in the guild across the bay, I can find someone to carpool with to future meetings.

But I want to go tomorrow. And I just can’t find a way to make that happen. And it sucks.

I probably should go to bed.

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6 thoughts on “Not able.

  1. I was going to suggest that there may be a friend who could drive you to one or some of these things, but I see near the end you hope to find a carpool to join. Hoping it will work out so that you can go to all of the places you want to go.

  2. From me, also. We would have a great time going places together. Or, just staying home a playing with fabric while dinner cooked. I hope you are able to do at least one thing you really wanted to do today.

  3. Lisa, what you just wrote is the story of my life now too. It’s so frustrating to have to deal with the energy level, and no one can see it or understand it. I had to quit my job 2 years after my cancer surgery, because I just couldn’t do it. I have applied for disability but been denied because they can’t see it. It’s so frustrating and it’s also validating to know that it’s not just me. Thank you

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