Mad

Along with feeling a bit afloat lately, I’ve also been feeling pretty mad the past few weeks. 

I know. I’m sure some of you are saying “Well, it’s about time, Lisa.”. But, better late than never, right?

Today at our family support group, we found out that one of the fathers had died in the time since our last meeting.   His wife, who was a much more active part of the group than he had been, shared  a bit about his last few days and his death. It was, at the same time, comforting, sad, informative, and scary. There was so much value in having her share the experience, but it also brought up so many difficult emotions for everyone there. 

There are a few of us in the group who are facing our mortality, and it’s only a matter of time before Reil or one of the other spouses shares a similar story. 

But, damn. I don’t want that story told about me. Not in that family focused group. Not so soon. I want my kids grown and out in the world. Doing their thing.  Reality though. Probably not gonna happen. 

And while I’m hoping to put death off for as long as possible, I find I’m also kind of spinning my wheels in this middle land.  Not dead yet, but not fully living. Certainly a little too close to “just waiting to die” for my comfort.  I feel like I did after college graduation – suddenly without short or long term goals. Adrift.  So I’ve been trying to figure out what kinds of goals I can make for myself that I can achieve in the hours that the kids are at school, and Reil is at work. That keeps my brain active, even when my body can’t be.  That allows me to chart my own time against something else than one day closer to dying. 

And maybe it’ll be something that loosens up the anger in me, too. 

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7 thoughts on “Mad

  1. You have an amazing way of describing things Lisa. To be honest I am amazed at how fully you seem to live despite how crappy I’m sure you feel. You are making beautiful art and spending time with your family. You are living life more fully then many. Keep doing that.

  2. Anger is something we get conditioned out of. Let’s get some dishes from goodwill and throw them. Or do you have a better idea? You get to be your whole self every day at your pace and terms. S*** I’m pissed too!!!

  3. I’m heart broken and mad. That a mother and wife is having to live like this. I wish I had words of wisdom but I don’t.
    Do what you can, when you can!

  4. You have nothing to apologize for. Be angry. You didn’t ask for this.

    I can see how you would want to channel it, though. Perhaps you could consider family members individually–husband, children, siblings, parents, etc–and think, “What is something I can do for them?” It might be a creation, or a letter, or a phone call. It might be something that will make them a memory, or something they can hold close to their heart. Doing that isn’t admitting defeat, it is saying that whatever happens and whenever it happens, you will have made a difference in the lives of the people that matter most to you.

    You are in my prayers.

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