Coming back

Sleep isn’t going to come soon. I’ve taken 4 doses of my cancer medicine since we came home on Friday night, and it’s already causing pain. My bones and joints ache, especially my elbows and my thighs. I just took a Norco, so hopefully there will be some relief soon. I just wish I’d thought of it sooner. Pain management is all about cutting it off before it gets bad. 

It is maddening to have to be back on these pills again. The stupid little rust colored tablets.  I felt so alive and comfortable and almost energetic while on vacation last week. I couldn’t move very well because of neuropathy and dizziness, but there wasn’t any pain, so it was just the issue of working through my unsteadiness. (No small feat, but again, not painful.)

I am once again feeling the anger that was building up in me before our vacation. But that’s not how I want to live. I want to be light and easy.   It doesn’t come naturally with this medicine, though. 

Reil and the kids drove a couple of hours north today to meet up with my mom. As I was kissing them goodbye, I had a sudden fearful flash of “What if there’s an accident, and they all die?” which was just as quickly replaced with a calm: at least I’d be able to stop taking the meds without feeling any guilt about how much it would shorten my life. 

That tradeoff sucks. I have to choose between living well or living a little longer.  We don’t know how much longer (Statistically, it’s about a year longer, but who among us is a statistic?), which makes the choice that much more murky.

For now, though, since my family is all safe and alive, I’ll focus on ways to cope.  With the pain, with the fatigue, with my lessening abilities. My first step will be marking a date in my calendar when I can take another vacation – from the kidney cancer treatment. 

  

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