The past week has probably been the hardest most stressful week that I’ve had since I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I’m using the voice typing to write this post because my wrist is weird still and typing just makes it weirder.
On Monday I went to the doctor a GP. he looked at my arm and pretty much immediately called the neurologist on call. that doctor was down in the office within 10 minutes. he determined that he wanted me to have an MRI which I agreed to as I have had MRIs before with no problem. Unfortunately when I got into the room all the stress that I’ve been dealing with just blew up and I couldn’t get the MRI done. the next morning after an hour long massage, a couple of ativan, and feeling totally relaxed, I got back to the radiology waiting room and before I could even go in just broke down again, and wasn’t able to do the MRI. They finally agreed to let me do a CT scan on Wednesday and thar evening I got the call from the neurologist that I have a lesion in my brain. The cancer is about 1.6 centimeters. It is in the front of my brain and it is pushing against parts of my brain which caused my arm to stop working. Wednesday night I started taking steroids, and that has helped my arm start working again. Unfortunately, my wrist still gets very tired, still feels weird, and it gives me the heebie jeebies. So I’m having to struggle through pain, discomfort, agitation, and anxiety. It has been a very rough week.
I have a referral to a neurosurgeon and I expect that sometime in the next few weeks I will be having A operation to remove the cancerous lesion in my head in my brain. I can’t imagine why I’m so anxious. for now struggling to keep the anxiety to a level I can control but it’s very very difficult. I’m managing with multiple sessions of guided meditation each day. Reil rubs my back or my feet, often sometimes in conjunction with the guided meditation. I have had two massages last week, and one more tomorrow. and still I find myself walking through the house each day just crying. it’s hard for me to do anything. the things I love to do tend to use my hands – sewing writing coloring playing on the computer.it all just wears me out. I’m bored. I have nothing to do nothing that won’t just push me further into agitation and anxiety.
I keep trying to feel hopeful, but that’s an emotion that’s been difficult to find lately.