Hope, lack of

Today was a pretty rough day, emotionally and physically. 

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed quickly enough, partly due to stiffness and pain, and didn’t quite make it to the toilet on time. As I finished up, cleaned up, and changed my pajamas, I felt a bit humiliated. But more than that, I started to feel despair. Is this the best I’m going to be the rest of my life?  Pissing  myself in the middle of the night?  Barely able to walk, and never without pain?

I have a physical therapy appointment next week, and I’ve been pinning a lot of hope to the idea that PT will help me walk without pain again. Or at least a manageable amount. This morning I couldn’t shake the feeling it won’t provide any help. 

I’ve been trying to remind myself that I’m tapering off steroids, and my adrenal gland isn’t yet working fully again, and that pain is to be expected. I’ve been diagnosed with pneumonia, so my cancer speckled lungs really aren’t working well now. I’ve been trying to be in the headspace of knowing that the next 3-4 weeks are going to be difficult, but maybe April will be easier. I’m just going to take it easy.

When Jeffie, my amazing massage therapist, came over, it was a relief. 10:30 am felt so much later in the day. I was already exhausted. I popped a couple of percoset and let her work her magic on my body and soul. And she is a magician.  Almost two hours later, with the drugs also kicking in, I at least had some pain relief.  And Inta came to visit, bringing quilting goodies and lots of cheer.  Very nice.

Still, movement during the day is hard. And painful.  And slow. I’m contemplating whether to bring my walker up to the house. Will sitting on it and pushing my way around the house with my feet be more or less of an inconvenience?   I don’t know. Is it better to get some movement than none?  Is the distance between my bed and the sofa really so great?  (Sometimes it feels like a mile.) Just now, I laid on the sofa and cried from exhaustion and pain. It’s not just the kitty on my lap that makes me not want to go to bed, though I’m exhausted at 9pm (hours before my old bedtime.)

I’m trying to get back into a more hopeful frame of mind. I have 3 more weeks of steroids, and then I can start another cancer treatment.  With any luck, it’ll work for a bit, maybe beat the cancer back for a few months of respite before it stops working and the cancer finally takes over. 

I’m very grateful to everyone who has been reaching out. I can’t say enough how much human contact lifts me up. A good conversation helps me ignore the pain or discomfort. A foot rub or hand massage or hug helps my body. And  running little errands around the house spares my strength.  So, if you’re free, especially during the weekday, please feel free to call or come by. I will always be honest about what I can or cannot manage. I’ve also found that small groups are really good, because if I’m fading a little, the convo can go on. 

Also, would love to put out a plea for meals.  We’ve all been sick here, and worn out,and making meals has been more of a chore. We will take them anytime, but I was hoping to set up a regular Tuesday thing that people can sign up for. I’ll write a post tomorrow with the link for sign ups, and will add links to favorite recipes, too.  Many thanks in advance.
Also, 14 years ago today I was wrestling with a 5 1/2 pound baby in my belly who just did not want to stay head down. She’s still headstrong today!


4 thoughts on “Hope, lack of

  1. I dont have cancer, or much of an excuse…and sometimes I dont quite make it to the bathroom either…dayuuuum. Just thought I would share the humiliation.
    wish I could make some of your yam and chicken curry for ya’ll. hugs.

  2. Hmmm…those headstrong tendencies in your daughter must come from her father’s side of the family, since her mother is nothing like that *wink and grin*.

    I’ll look for the dinner information to come and see if I can’t get some people I know in your area involved.

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