Earlier this week I was trying to remember the exact reasons why I had gone into hospice. So I went back to read over my blog and found that I had forgotten going through radiation on my legs or my head. I couldn’t remember if my seizure came first or if going to see Wicked came first. These losses in my memory were scary and overwhelming.
But it’s scary and overwhelming as that may be it’s really quite understandable. I’ve been going through so much with each week or even part of the week bringing up some sort of crisis some sort of “one thing after another”. Between all that I was dealing with emotionally and then having drug interactions with my body I just couldn’t take anymore. At some point in April everything just crashed – body, mind, soul.
I shut down. I didn’t talk to anyone. I had thoughts of self harm. I cut off all my hair instead. I call them my black weeks – about two weeks of just feeling nothing, not able to cope with anything. I did have a lot of help with Reil and my family and hospice coming in daily.
I still don’t have a timeline really of when every thing happened but I know that after my black weeks I had a little bit of time and then had my cancerversary celebrating two years of my diagnosis. It was a very nice get together, though tiring.
Two nights after the party, I took fall at night when I was trying to go to the bathroom. That’s changed everything, because hospice and everyone wants me to have someone with me at all times. It’s been kind of a drag because I’m a person who likes to have a lot of time alone. However I also recognize I don’t have the strength to be walking around the house by myself or even to get to the toilet by myself.
My fall didn’t really hurt me except for a slightly pulled muscle in my back, however it did take most of my energy. I’ve spent most my time in bed trying to get energy back. It’s been a pretty boring journey since then but I am now able to walk into my living room but with help, it’s always with help. And those journeys into the living room also cost me a lot of energy. So I’m still working on it but I have faith that I’m going to have energy again and get it out of my bedroom more often and out of the house.
So that’s what’s been going on physically in my life. I have had a whole lot of emotional stuff going on too, but I’m finding that as I get stronger physically, Much of the emotional stuff is kind of working it’s way out and I’m very glad about that.