Shitty Day

I’m crushed. 

My nurse wants me completely off my legs.  This means no using the toilet or commode. Not being able to transfer outside. Only being able to get into me my wheelchair by means of a large lift which will take much of my room. 

I’ll need diapers. And while I can picture myself sitting in my pee for most of the day, I can’t picture the same with my shit.  And I have a hard time expecting those who have been caring for me to wipe my ass. 

I’m worried about the cost of care, and how long I’ll need it. I’m not in any pain, which makes it all worse to me, since it feels like I’m just going to have to go through this longer.

Not that I want to die.  I just don’t want to live like this.

I’m hoping to go to bed tonight and find some calm and clearness. I don’t see it.