The past couple of days I’ve felt like crying a lot.  It could be from the amount of stuff we’ve had going on lately (though really, not too much), the complete melt down of the boy-man-child (what do you call a kid who is 6 foot plus, almost 200 pounds, but really only 15?) the other night, frustration at my painting, a touch of depression, or cancer.  Probably it’s some undealt with stress over the CT scan I’ll have tomorrow.

It’s a scheduled one, for as much as we schedule these things.  The last one was in October, and all was fine.  By fine, I mean that there was no marked growth and there was some shrinkage of the cancer in my body.  Chances are good that this scan coming up will show the same thing.  But there’s still always that stress that pops up before a scan.

I’ve been lucky to be able to make appointments for my scans that are less than 36 (often less than 12) hours from when I call.  That really helps keep the anxiety down.  This time, though, it was more like 4 days out.  Not so much fun.

So today I’m working on breathing deeply.  I dusted off the Enya album (figuratively – it’s on my iPhone) and listened to it while I was in traffic today.  I’m going to go focus on pretty fabrics after I finish writing this, and will try to remove all thoughts of cancer, scans, etc., from my mind.

Denial does have its benefits.

Birthday blues

Yesterday was my birthday, and it kind of sucked.  My family did their best to pamper me and love on me, but despite their efforts, I felt like crap all day.  Sluggish, tired, fatigued, depressed.  In the afternoon, the three of them went off to see a movie without me (but with my blessing) because I didn’t have the energy to go.  Instead, I stayed at home and cried.  It was the end of a long week that, although it had a lot of great points, generally showed me how life isn’t the same any more.  I’ve tended to reject the idea that I’m “fighting” cancer (primarily because who wants to fight against their own body?), but I’ve found that what I’ve really been fighting to achieve is a sense of normalcy.  And, unfortunately, in that fight, I feel like I’m losing.

We started the week with a short trip to Portland.  It really is a 10 hour drive, and that exhausted me so much that I wasn’t able to enjoy my time with my family, my brother and his girlfriend as much as I’d have liked.  We did a little bit of sightseeing – Voodoo Donuts (forget my last post!) and Powell’s Books – and then I was wiped out, needing a nap.  Luckily, we’d rented a very comfortable apartment that we could return to, letting the kids play games with their awesome uncle.  But that seemed to be the rhythm of the weekend, actually the whole week, and probably weeks before, too.  Do a little bit.  Be wiped out.  It was just much more noticeable when there were people and things I really wanted to see and do.

We spent Thanksgiving with a group of friends.  It was a lovely day, but I was fighting a massive headache and extreme fatigue.  Luckily, in this group there are people who love to talk and tell stories, and so I didn’t have to exert myself much – just stay awake and enjoy the fun.  And even that was difficult.

The lack of energy is difficult for me to handle, in general.  It’s one thing to not be able to hike long trails.  It’s another to have a walk around the block leave me tired.  And entirely another to not be able to have the energy to be able to get off the sofa to work on a quilt.

I’ve dealt with depression in the past, and I can see myself beginning a spiral down.  And so, I’m re-evaluating my vitamin situation.  I’m trying to make sure I get outside for sun exposure and a little bit of exercise each day.  I’m probably going to try to increase my anti-depressants.  I might try to get back in to talk therapy.  I’m hoping that these efforts will pay off by leaving my head as healthy as possible, even if my body lags behind.

But, man, it all just leaves me tired.